Constants
by the unfolding
Summary: A reflection on Kelly's relationship with Ryan and his recent visit to Scranton. In the end, there are only a few things about them that are constant. RyanKelly


Ryan was never really interested in what she had to say. This was something Kelly Kapoor always knew, but if she has one classic downfall it's that she has too much faith in people. And so Kelly dated Ryan anyway, sent him cute emails and went out to dinner with him. She even frequented bars with him and his friends and drove them all home at some ungodly hour of the morning, quietly listening to the voices from the dark back seat telling Ryan that he was a lucky man to have her. Ryan always shrugged it off- he was even more insensitive when he was trashed. It was one of the quirky things about their relationship, the fact that Ryan drank more than she did. Sometimes she'd have one or two fruity things with pink umbrellas, but more often than not she'd order a Sprite and watch Ryan wash away his life in Scranton. He was never an alcoholic, only a man with reasons to drink that moved beyond social situations. Kelly knew she was one of those reasons.

These were the constants of their relationship- Ryan was the pessimist, Kelly was the optimist. Ryan was guarded, Kelly was vulnerable. Ryan was introverted, Kelly was extroverted. Ryan was the quiet one, Kelly was the talker. Kelly was always the talker. This was never really a shock to anyone, but it was more prominent in her relationship with Ryan than anywhere else in her life. She would talk just to hear herself talk, just to hear _anyone_ talk, just to fill the void of Ryan's silence in her own heart. There was only one constant that she and Ryan shared: He had big dreams for himself, and she had big dreams for him. Some days, she thinks that's all that kept them together.

She wasn't really surprised when they broke up. Of course, there was the initial shock, the panic, the denial. But when all of those things came and went, Kelly was not surprised to see Ryan go with them. She had always known that she wasn't first on his list of priorities, and if she had known he was going to get the job she would have broken up with him beforehand. But he didn't tell her- he even made an excuse for why he'd be gone to the interview- and so Kelly didn't know. She didn't know that her boyfriend was going to get everything he had wanted, and she was going to lose him in the process. She would have gone with him to the interview. She would have sent flowers, written a card like Pam told her she did for Jim (a secret Kelly's never told to another soul, because Pam made her promise and for once Kelly felt like a part of something) and when he got the job Kelly would have screamed and cried and been happy for him. She would have, because Kelly loved Ryan with a ferocity that she could never explain. Even now, she cannot explain.

So when Ryan comes in the door of the office- when he finally steps in, after all the weeks of her worrying and crying and dieting and hoping- Kelly cannot breathe. She sees the stubble on his face and his blue eyes and his hair, so carefully styled, and she does exactly what she promised herself she would not do. Kelly falls back in love with Ryan all over again, and every beautiful memory she has of him bubbles to the surface- memories of his body warm against hers, of late-night conversations about business school and dreams, the moments they shared when Kelly knew that he was really listening. All of these things attack her, and they fill her senses with smell and sight and touch and all at once Ryan is looking at her in the strangest way and she cannot breathe.

But Kelly knows that Ryan will never betray his rules. His life is so neatly in order now, so perfectly lined up, that he could love her to the depths of the earth and back and he still wouldn't risk telling her and jumbling up his impeccable way of life. So she tells him something so crazy, so totally preposterous, that she knows there's no way he could believe it. But he takes her to dinner anyway, and somewhere between him yelling at her about faking the pregnancy and him kissing her goodnight, Kelly understands. Ryan has chosen a life for himself, and she doesn't fit into it. She's too big with her bubbly personality and her understanding way of loving him, so when Ryan asks if he can come inside Kelly tells him no. The smile on his lips fades- she's never rejected him before- and he turns his back to leave. But right before he goes, she does something Pam told her to do, something she's been afraid to do all along. Just tell him the truth. She calls after him- "If New York ever gets lonely... I'll be here." Ryan pauses, turns his head, keeps walking. Kelly swears she sees a revelation playing across his face.

The next morning, there's a note on her desk.

_"Every place without you is lonely."_

Another constant.


End file.
